Nov 14-Dec 4

by meghan, 12-05-2005, 11:46 PM

Well I'm usually sorry for not writing but when I sat down to write I realized I'm not sorry I'm living in the moment and enjoying every second of it. This past three weeks a lot has happened. First I want to thank Chrissy for her thoughts and my mom for hers. They are both inspiring and its great to hear what people think. I wish more people would post there thoughts...it doesn't have to be about my journaling it can be about what ever.<br><br>Before I forget I am going to ask all who know me to do something that may seem quite weird. I am doing some shamanic work and in one of my up coming sessions I will die out of my physical body and be born into my spiritual body. Throughout this process some of your writings will be read in the session. If you could just post them in the "your thoughts, feelings etc" section I would greatly appreciate it. For those of you who are unsure of what I'm asking for...just write about how I have affected you as a person, maybe some accomplishments that I've made or maybe how I make you feel. Something along those lines. Just write what ever comes to you. Don't worry about what I'll think. <br><br>So now I'll recap on the past three weeks. I'm massaging twice a week which has been really great for healing process and of course financially. I started seeing a therapist once a week. Her name is Alison Saylor and she is incredible. She specializes in hypnotherapy. Sal and I have been going to puppy class on Wed evenings with Terra and I've kept up with all of my alternative healing sessions...energy, chiro, acupuncture, massage etc. <br><br>I went down to visit my family for Thanksgiving. It was great to see them and spend time with them all together. I went down on the Thursday before Thanksgiving and stayed through the week. When I got there my brother set up an organic potluck for that evening. It was great food and I got to see some people I haven't seen in almost 15 years...my close family friends Galen and Noel. I had some shamanic work done, I went bike riding on the beach with my mom and her boyfriend John, I went to Without a Trace softball game which was dedicated to me, I also got to go on their live set and meet the director and some of the actors, I got to hang out with my best friend Leta and her little girl, I got to go out to dinner with my mom and John at on of my favorite restaurants Mucho Mas and I had an incredible Thanksgiving dinner with my entire family. Most of it was organic and all of it was yummy. I got to meet my brothers new girlfriend Alaina who is amazing and her organic pies (apple, pumpkin and some banana/Carmel etc I forgot the name) ROCKED. Thanks Alaina. I had a great time and I realized that its been almost ten years since I've spent Thanksgiving with my family. I love you all. <br><br>The rest of the week/weekend I spent with Sally. We had a great time and I missed her a lot. <br><br>I spent the next week doing chemo and catching up on all of my alternative therapies. I was pretty fatigued and somewhat nauseous throughout the entire week. But if I were to put it on a pain scale it was probably a 2/10. I'm not one to complain but the reality is that the side effects are accumulating and it could be because of a combination of things. 1. I had not had my usual alt therapies. 2. Because I threw up last cycle after taking my supplements, when I look at my pill box I want to puke....so I rarely took my supplements throughout the week. 3. My food choice haven't been that great because the last thing I want to do is cook a healthy meal when I'm feeling nauseous....so I go to comfort foods. And there are more but these are the main ones. I did continue to run and exercise through the cycle. <br><br>I took a Reiki class this weekend that blew my mind. I could spend the next hour writing about my experiences but I'm too lazy. I will be integrating it into my massage practice and into my own life. It was extremely powerful and ground breaking. It was exactly what I needed. Thank you Kerstin Marie Wheale and Adine Micheals for teaching us the powerful gift of Reiki.

October 31-Nov 13

by meghan, 11-14-2005, 09:50 PM

Well what can I say I've been really bad with keeping up on my journal. NO EXCUSES. I've had a relatively busy schedule, Halloween, visiting Sally's parents in SLO and going to a meditational retreat this past weekend. Its all been really great. I've kept up with chiropractic, energy work and massage. If you recall I fell of the acupuncture wagon and got back on this past week after feeling what it was like to live without it. <br><br>I started massaging two people a week. This is for my health and well being. It is an extremely important part of my life and it was really hard for me to let go of it. It is also a great way for people to help me out. Those who would like to give can do so by receiving. So far its been great. That part of me that has been missing is back and ready to heal. <br><br>I saw Dr. Smith on the 9th and had a good visit. He seems to be really happy with my progress. This is something I have to remember because I was somewhat disappointed to find out that my tumors only reduced 15-20%. When he left his message saying they dramatically reduced I was thinking 50% ball park. He wanted the reduction in my brain to be more but he is really happy that the lump in my breast is completely gone. I asked some questions such as: Q: Is this reduction in the brain common after gamma knife radiation? A: Yes there will always be a reduction in size but in your case there where no new lesions. Q: Should we see a continued trend toward smaller to invisible lesion on the MRI or might there be small steady state remnants? A: We should continue to see a reduction in the brain. Q: What is the percentage of the tumors in the brain coming back? A: Up to 50%. Q: If the tumors in the lungs get bigger (which they won't) what is the recourse especially if there are no symptoms. A: There is a new drug on the market which will be available in the beginning of the year that is identical to Thalidamide but can be given at ten times a higher dose with even less side effects that I'm experiencing now. I will be put on that drug. Q: When will I get my next PET Scan of the chest abdomen and pelvis. A: Mid December. Q: Am I a candidate for Cyber Knife? A: Cyber knife is used best when there are symptoms producing pain in the body. It does no prolong life and isn't as intense as gamma Knife. Its not the area to be looking in right now. If the lesion's are still there is a year and all else is going well everywhere else we will surgically remove the ones in your lung. Q: When is my next MRI? A: In three months. Q: What are your thoughts on Avistan combined with EGFR (Epidermal Growth Factor)? There have been really great things happening and really scary things happening in the studies. The most recent study done is on women with ovarian cancer. There was were a lot of women who died of internal bleeding. This scared a lot of people and the study was stopped. Some believe it was the drug that caused the bleeding but there is also a big correlation with ovarian cancer and intestinal bleeding that already exists. So its unsure. All of the other studies have done remarkable well. <br><br>If you have any question that you think would be beneficial to asking please email me so that I can ask Dr. Smith the next time I see him. Thanks. <br><br>My friend Jill had a birthday celebration that was fun. We all went over to her house for a surprise dinner and had amazing Thai food. It was great to be around supportive people and have such a great time. <br><br>The Meditational Retreat I went on was incredible. It was hidden away in the Santa Cruz Mountains. We stayed in Yurts which I had never seen before in my life. There were about 18 people all relatively young and mostly women. We were silent in the evening through the mornings. After breakfast we were aloud to converse. We meditated, wrote, hiked and played trust games. It was great to go with sally but we definitely did our own thing which was good. I met cool people and had an incredible experience. On our way home Sal asked me who I bonded with most out of our group and I answered myself. I enjoyed everyone equally but spend most of my energy on myself and experiencing. Thanks to sally I was able to go on this retreat. Thanks Sal. I am very blessed to have you in my life. I love you. <br>

October 24-30

by meghan, 10-31-2005, 06:07 PM

This week was a hard week. I went through my fourth round of chemotherapy and it was rough. I was trying to figure out why I was feeling so crappy and then it dawned on me. I haven't seen my acupuncturist in almost three weeks. There was a scheduling mishap and I never got around to scheduling another appointment. Also Marie, my energy worker, had personal business to attend to so I only got to see her twice this week. I remember back when I first started taking Thalidamide and how badly I felt. I went to see Andreas, my acupuncturist, and within three day I felt like new. Well that was the underlying feeling of the week along with other symptoms.<br><br>I vomited for the first time on Tuesday. I got sick to my stomach after taking my supplements. I never knew pills could come out your nose. My appetite for the week was minimal and I could not eat anything with a lot of flavor. If I even looked at my supplements my stomach turned. It was extremely hard not to have my regular alternative treatments....and it showed.<br><br>Wednesday I massaged Cortney. I was great to not only see her but to massage her for the first time. It's amazing how great I physically felt during and after giving her a massage. Something about giving your gift out to others and it comes right back to you. <br><br>Thursday I went to Life Chiropractic College West for an all day seminar called Spring for Life. I went to see Bruce Lipton speak for almost four hours. Wow. He took the science, from quantum physics to cellular biology(genes, RNA, DNA), and broke down how our health is directly related to our thoughts. It was much more in depth but it reminded me of the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know?".<br><br>I went to lunch with my best friend Aaron, Chrissy and Nani. It was great to see all of my friends at school and I was reminded of all of the things that I miss about going to school. Things I probably could have never told you about four months ago. Its not until things are taken away do we really see the love, true meaning and value in them.<br><br>On my way home I got to stop by my aunt and uncles house. Its a first time in a while that I'd been over to their place. My Aunt is usually the one coming over here. I got to see Ron for the first time in months. He has been such an active part of my team and this was the first time I got to see him since all of this craziness has happened. Thanks Uncle Ron for all of your love, help and support.<br><br>I came home just in time for my session with Wayne. He did some deep work and told me about the 20 extra acupuncture points that Micheal Brofman gave me to give to my acupuncturist. These points are specifically for cancer and Wayne told me that they were no where to be found in his books or on any of the models. You know its some good stuff if they can't be found. I love Wayne he is so great. <br><br>Friday I got to hang out with Rachele. She took me to Herbivore and we had brunch out side with our dogs. We then we to Chrissy field to let them run free. It was a beautiful fall day, not to cold, crisp, clear with a few marshmallow clouds in the sky. I'm so glad that I've reconnected with Rach, she is an extremely smart, creative, funny and unconditional loving person. I love you Rach.<br><br>The weekend was pretty mellow. We ran with front runners on Saturday morning and did a little Halloween shopping at the salvation army. We dressed as the D.E.B.S with our friends Sarah and Melissa. If you haven't seen the movie rent it...its hilarious. We were dressed as catholic school girl spies with guns. We went to a Halloween party for a few hours that evening. It was fun to see all of the political costumes. Sunday we went to Alameda to hang out for the day. We had lunch and looked around the area. It was fun. Daylight savings is fun. Well enough with the novel. That's it for now.

October 23

by meghan, 10-24-2005, 05:19 PM

What a great Sunday. Chrissy served us breakfast in bed. We all sat around and ate breakfast and filled each other in on what has been going on. We took our time getting up and getting ready for our afternoon hike. We got a little lost but wound up going to point rayes. The ride and the hike was absolutely beautiful. On our way home we stopped in Fairfax at Lydia's a raw organic restaurant. It was fabulous...just as good as cafe gratitude. Chrissy had told us about an ice cream shop very near that had organic ice cream and organic non dairy ice cream...so we had to stop. It was sooooooo gooood. Probably the best ice cream I've ever had. We drove back home to prepare for our potluck dinner which turned out to be a hit. Nani, Greg, Jason, Vincent, Alissa, Binnie, Sally, Chrissy and I all had an amazing dinner and evening. Jason ended the evening by playing on his guitar....both cover songs and one he had written. It was beautiful. I tingled once again. Thank you guys for being in my life and supporting me in so many ways.

October 22

by meghan, 10-24-2005, 05:04 PM

When I woke up on Friday morning I really knew that trusting and believing in my healing process is really what has gotten me to this point. Without truly trusting and believing in my process I would be an up tight mess stressing out about every little sign or symptom. I am so happy to have this opportunity in life. It has forced me to really own up and trust in myself, look at the beauty life has to offer and to see how abundant the universe really is. I have also been able to feel all of the love and support from friends and family. I am loved and supported. That is touching. To really feel that deep down from so many people. At first it was extremely hard for me to receive but now I am able to receive with open arms. I figured it out. I have spent my entire life being a giver and have always had a hard time receiving. Like anything in the universe, all things are cyclical. In order to give I must be able to receive. Yes one of the many lessons I am learning in this healing journey. And I know we all know this in our minds, but to truly feel this emotion hitting you like a ton of bricks. Feeling these lessons is what has made them so powerful.<br><br>Sally and I went to run in the park as usual. We meet up with our run group at 9am in golden gate park. Sally, Terra and I started to run. We have a modified run so that we can let Terra off leash. As we head off in our normal direction we see thousands of people walking. We were almost going to avoid the masses but we didn't know far up they went. As we got closer we realized what all these people were walking for.....Breast Cancer. People were wearing pink, in memory of, in dedication to, in support of etc on their shirts, hats and pants. It was absolutely amazing to feel all of this support. I started to cry. Of all days to have the breast cancer walk what better day than today. Then I heard the "I will survive" song blaring from a near by truck and everybody started screaming. The sensation was overpowering. I started to tingle and tear up all at the same time. I am so luck to be alive.

October 21

by meghan, 10-23-2005, 08:15 PM

Today is an extremely great day. I went to go get a pregnancy test for the drug that I'm on. While I was in the waiting room I started a conversation with a woman who was bald. She overheard me on my cell asking Dr. Smiths assistant to order some more of the chemo because I need to start my fourth round next week. The woman introduced herself and asked if I was with Dr. Smith. We got to talking and she is going through breast cancer for the second time. I told her what I was going through and she apologized profusely. I said don't be sorry I feel really great emotionally and physically. More words were exchanged when I felt my phone vibrate. I looked at the number and didn't recognize it. I let it go. My name was then called. I sat in the back room with the nurse while she pulled up my info. I decided to check my voice mail. It was Dr. Smith. His exact word. "Hey meghan I have great news with your brain scans everything came back perfect. All four tumors are DRAMATICALLY SMALLER AND THERE ARE NO NEW TUMORS. I give you an A++. Congratulations. Needless to say I screamed in excitement and ran out into the front room and told the woman I had just met. I was jumping up and down in joy. The nurse must have thought I was crazy until I told her why I was so excited. The first person I called was Sally and then many after her. <br><br>Sally wanted to take me out for a vegetarian celebratory dinner. Sally called people up without me knowing. When I got there there was Sadie, Cortney, Tracey, Stacey, Locsi, Sally, Vince, and I. I was in shocked. Everyone started applauding. Sally had done it again. We had amazing food, conversation and the energy was flowing. Thanks to everyone's help I have the ability to live in the moment and trust my healing process....what ever may happen. I trust and believe in my healing process.

October 20

by meghan, 10-23-2005, 07:56 PM

I'm feeling really great. I feel much more calm about receiving my results. I feel less attached to the outcome because I feel so great inside. I went to see Marie for energy work and it was great as always. I gave a massage to one of my long time clients and decided that I want to go back to giving at the most two massages a week. So we'll see how things go.

October 19

by meghan, 10-23-2005, 07:52 PM

Today was great. I saw Marie Wheale and had an amazing session. I sure did miss her. Sally, Marie and I all went to see Shakti Gawain author of Creative Visualization. She spoke about creative visualization and her journey as a healer. It was a great day.

October 18

by meghan, 10-19-2005, 03:56 PM

I woke up and did 45 minutes of meditation and visualization. I was ready to get my mri. Chrissy, my mom and I drove to the UCSF china basin campus. I filled out paper work and got the stint put in my arm so that they could infuse the contrast into my body. It is the amount of contrast that will make this mri a triple mri. They use triple the amount of contrast so that they get a clearer image. While I was getting the stint put in I told the nurse that my mom had come up from la to be here. We asked her is she could come in with me to the mri....which I've asked before but no one has ever let anyone come into the same room with me. They actually let her come in. She had to fill out paper work and afterwards they gave her a chair to sit in right next to the mri machine. She sat and sent me all of her positive energy and in between she ear marked the book she gave me Love, Medicine and Miracles so that I wouldn't have to read the entire book. I have so many books to read. As for me the hour I was in there I visualized the entire time. I did some grounding work and then started visualizing a clear brain. I visualized Dr. Smith calling me with positive results and I tried to smile and laugh a lot in my minds eye while I was in there. <br><br>We all had an organic lunch afterward at harvest and rowe. I felt pretty positive about the appointment. My mom and I then went to see Marie for my massage session. Marie mainly did polarity and cranial sacral. My poles were extremely misaligned because the mri is electromagnetic. After the amazing session my mom and I headed out to Alameda for an early dinner. We went to the market place and picked up some food and then went to Julies Tea Garden to sit and eat. We got some good one on one time and we even got to call my twin brother on speaker phone. Both my brother and I sang happy birthday to her because her birthday is tomorrow. I felt like a little kid again. I love you mom. Thanks for all of your support, it really means a lot to me.

October 17

by meghan, 10-19-2005, 03:30 PM

Back from Mexico and the weather in SF is actually beautiful. My mom is flying in for my mri which is scheduled tomorrow. I picked my mom up from the bart station and we went straight to my appointment with Marie. Even though I got massaged in Mexico my body really needed Marie's talented skills. It was great to be back. After our session mom and I went to pick up sally from work and we went to lands end for a hike. It was beautiful. We took some pictures and headed back. We all had dinner together which was great. We came home unpacked and watched some TV. I prepared myself for what was to come tomorrow.